Panic Attack

Today something really scary happened to me.  I didn't think I would react the way I did, but I was scared and I couldn't control what happened.

I have what are called Trigger Points, which are basically muscle spasms except they don't go away.  They're like little balls of muscle that won't ever relax and are extremely uncomfortable.  My doctor wanted me to get an MRI done of my neck and lower back just to make sure nothing was going on with my spine that could cause these.  He's pretty sure there's nothing wrong, but he wanted MRI's just to be 100%.

If you haven't had an MRI done before, I'll tell you what it feels like:  you are crammed into a tube so small you can't move your arms and then a jackhammer goes off next to your head for 15-20 minutes.  I've had MRI's done when I started having migraines, and I didn't particularly like them, but I got through it.  This one was different.  The machine was a lot smaller, and I had to be in there for 40 minutes because I was getting two tests done.  The first test was on my neck and I was nervous, but I was able to talk myself through it.  My legs were hanging out and I was only in up to mid-thigh.

But then the second test on my lower back started, and without warning I was going further into the tube and it got tighter.  I immediately panicked.  My palms are sweating just thinking about it.  I pushed the emergency button that they have you hold in case you freak out.  I thought pushing the button would immediately start pulling me out, but it didn't, and that's when I seriously freaked.  I panicked and started flailing around on the bed, kicking my legs and trying to throw my arms out, but I was trapped.  I know it only lasted about 5 seconds before the MRI techs rushed into the room and got me out, but it felt like I was going to die in there.  I was convinced I would stop breathing and the machine would tighten itself on me until I was squeezed to death.

The ladies got me out quickly and calmed me down, but I did have a few minutes of hysteric crying before I could even say anything.  Eventually I calmed down enough to try again, and one of the ladies offered to stand in the room and hold onto my leg which helped me get through it.  I was shaking and crying through the whole thing, but I did it.

I guess you can't know you are claustrophobic until you are trapped inside of something, which doesn't usually happen in everyday life.  I didn't know I was going to react the way I did, and after I cried from panicking, I cried from embarrassment.  I don't know why it effected me the way it did - there was a big huge room right outside that machine, and I certainly wasn't trapped.  It makes me wonder about fear, and what it is in our brains that make us have irrational fears... I'm sure it has to do with our survival instincts.  When the test started, I knew in my entire being that I was fine.  There was nothing to fear.  But my mind was convinced I was trapped.  Stuck.  Imprisoned.  I don't like the fact that I panicked.  I wish I could have controlled myself.  I'm confused by it all, and I don't know what to make of it.  I do know that I won't have an MRI done again.  But just in case, I did some research and apparently there are open-sided MRI machines that won't trap you.

Luckily, K was waiting for me in the lobby, and as soon as he saw my tear-streaked face he just hugged me and let me finish my crying.  He knew it was hard for me and the happy ending to everything was that he took me out for ice cream afterwards.